What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 02:55
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
This is soul school!.
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I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Was to survive, this bastard.
What was the worst spanking you ever got? Why did you get it, and how was it given to you?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot live in the past .
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Have you ever been forced to dress like a girl?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I have no regrets .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Would this be the day?
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
How is it not psychopathic to use someone for sex, even if they agree?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
What would happen if Kakashi and Naruto switched places?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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(And it was in our own minds.)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im still living with it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He knew the spot.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I couldn’t, believe it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was very sick at this time too.
What did i know ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were not on the streets..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She found it foreign!.
Who then, do I blame.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She wouldn,t have been !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Comes on , in middle age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So, i spoilt her more .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
All the time i was locked up.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My life is so biszare .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
When she asked me how she looked .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Put me off passion for life!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I said to her
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I waited trembling.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was in good health!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I will be 64.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i lived it daily.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I don,t even have a pension.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My family never makes their pension either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I write beautiful poetry .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It was going to be , some day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So whats the point in blame.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She married twice! .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it wasn’t much.
But, we were locked up after school.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was scared of men, in general